Return to the Working World

So, after exactly 54 weeks, 4 unemployment hold ups, multiple nervous breakdowns and a couple of vehicle repossession threats, I finally got a job. Having been out of work for a year, I heard a lot of "Have you found a job yet? ... Oh, you haven't? ... Well, the fact that it's taking you such a long time to find one just means that you are going to end up with your perfect job."

Oh, the pressure of trying to land the "perfect" job. I mean, I was out of work for over a year. I don't have my degree. Of course, I have over nine years of experience and an impressive resume, but that doesn't mean much to employers who are looking to hire a college graduate at $10.00 an hour. I never expected to find the "perfect" job and I tried to remove the pressure that I felt others were placing on me and set a goal to just find any job, anything at all that offered health insurance and paid more than unemployment, which I figured shouldn't be difficult, as my unemployment only worked out to about $9.00 an hour.

Believe it or not, though, even though I really wasn't looking for it, I honestly feel like I found the "perfect" job for where I am at this point in my life. I don't think it's going to be my career position, and I'm not sure I still see myself in that same position in ten years, but I am looking for something long-term while I finish school, and this feels like it. The people in my department are genuinely nice and really want to help me be a success, which is a nice feeling, something I haven't experienced in past jobs (of course, I'm not totally naive -- I'm well aware that my success is directly related to theirs -- I'm just saying that it's nice to work with people who truly reach for the common goal together rather than stabbing each other in the back and letting every man fend for himself, which pretty much sums up my last two jobs). I have excellent insurance benefits, a generous amount of sick/vacation time and nice perks, like a discount on my gym membership and my cell phone bill. My only complaint is how expensive parking is (yes, staff have to pay for parking). But my other benefits are so amazing that really I feel bad even thinking about complaining about the cost of parking. There is potential for moving around and up, and the university does a lot of promoting from within. If I decide to stick with Nursing, and am able to work my way through my ADN, I can pursue my Master's there.

I have really put the brakes on my Facebook and blogging activity since I went back to work, partly because Facebook is blocked at work and it is time-consuming to catch up when I get home at the end of the day, and partly because both activities make me a little nervous now that I am working again. I think I have both my Facebook and blogging privacy settings fairly well locked down, but still, I feel like you just never know, and I would much rather err on the side of caution than be an idiot and get in trouble over something so preventable. I don't know how many people from my department are on Facebook and I don't really intend to find out. I'm not sure it's a wise move on my part to "friend" these co-workers, nice as they may be.

Mentally, physically and emotionally, going back to work has been a big adjustment. I'm not complaining at all, just stating a fact. I really tried not to take my "time off" for granted, but as that time got longer and longer and I found myself dealing with depression and an insane frequency of stress-related migraines, it got to be really nice being able to nap when I wanted during the day and not having to worry about getting up at the crack of dawn. Forcing myself to go to bed at a decent hour to be able to wake up at an ungodly one has tweaked with my internal alarm clock in a cruel way that wakes me up unnecessarily at about 4:30 every morning, which blows. And the forcing myself to go to bed at a decent hour has also proved difficult; many nights I go to bed before 11:00 only to toss and turn until about 12:30 trying to force myself to go to sleep. Hopefully that will get better with time.

Perhaps the hardest adjustment has been trying to transition into a new and unfamiliar industry and trying to make a good impression while the ghost of the ex-boss continues to follow me. I know how ridiculous it is that I'm still talking about this guy nearly three years post-resignation, but there is a part of me that can't help it. Understand, that was my first "real" job, which I got right out of high school and kept for almost seven years, or "a quarter of my life," as the ex-boss liked to say. That was where I learned how to be "professional" and how an office works, how you are supposed to behave, what "quality" work is, what "customer service" is. Some of the lessons were good ones that have stuck with me to this day, like how to politely turn someone down (my director is amazed at how nice my "rejection" e-mails are... LOL). Unfortunately, some of the lessons developed bad habits, which, years later, are hard to break. But I do my damnedest to come into work every day and do the best job I possibly can. And all the while, the ex-boss is there in the back of my mind, and I am waiting for the next hours-long closed-door meeting in which I get told that my work is not good enough and that I am single-handedly sending the company to hell in a handbasket. But so far, that's not happening in my new position. My bosses and co-workers seem impressed with me. I'm not one to toot my own horn and I don't take compliments well. They keep calling me a "rockstar" and I'm trying to accept it gracefully, but in the back of my mind I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, because that's how it went with the ex-boss. He told others how wonderful I was and then told me how much I sucked, lest all his praises go to my head.

As much as I like my job and as much as I'm trying to have confidence in myself, I'm finding that the first month back at work has been both a reality check and a humbling experience. When you're job-searching, you build your resume and you sell yourself in interviews, and even if you're like me and don't have a ton of self-confidence, there still comes a point where you've sold yourself and your talents so much that even you could buy what you're selling. And what I'm finding now is that much of what I sold are skills that are rusty, or good habits that went bad, or things that I just thought were made-up weaknesses that are seriously legit (by the way, can I just say, that was my least favorite interview question? I mean, seriously... I could go on for days with a list of weaknesses. How the hell do you honestly answer that in an interview without making yourself sound like you don't have any weaknesses at all or you're too damn weak to hire?). And I am trying very hard to turn that shit around before someone finds me out, all while trying not to worry too much about it. I spent about six out of the seven years at my first job making myself ill to the point of debilitation with worry about things that might happen, therefore usually ensuring that the things I worried about eventually DID happen. I spent a year out of the year and a half at my last job forcing myself out of bed in the morning and hating every single fucking minute in that office every damn day of the week. I'm trying to tell myself now that NO JOB is worth that. That's not to say that I'm not going to worry, or not hate some days at work, and that's definitely not to say that I ever want to be unemployed again. I guess I am just trying to find the balance, and having a difficult time doing it. I know that I have great skills, yet I know that I have some bad habits that I need to break. I know that I am an efficient worker and a fast learner, yet I know that I'm not very good at estimating how long it will take me to complete a task. What I need to do is work on playing up my strengths and keeping my weaknesses under cover while I work on strengthening them. I am seriously so grateful to be back to work, and generally happy with where I'm at. Thanks to the ex-boss, there's just always this little voice in the back of my mind repeating: "Don't fuck it up."

I will sure try my hardest not to.