Please Fire Me!

From the vein of FML comes Please Fire Me, a gem I just discovered today. Like FML, people can anonymously post reasons why their jobs suck they would be ecstatic to be fired.

I could have posted on that site SOOOO many times over the years had I known it existed. My posts would have looked a little something like this:

• Please fire me. My boss just felt the need to tell me that he had the best sex of his life with the former Office Manager. She was 24. He was 50.

• Please fire me. My paycheck just bounced for the third time in a row.

• Please fire me. My boss's car got serviced today, it's done, and he just called and asked me to "hop on my broom" and go pick him up.

• Please fire me. I am sitting in the Emergency Room with my boss, who's having chest pains. THIS is definitely not in my job description.
  

• Please fire me. I am listening to my boss cry on the phone because he's been gambling at state line for a week and he doesn't know what day it is.

• Please fire me. I am babysitting my boss's 3-year old son (the former office manager is his mom) while my boss gets his taxes done.

• Please fire me. The boss just told me "Thanks babe" in front of a client.

• Please fire me. I went down to a client's office to pick up a check and while I was there, the client told me that my boss was the only person he knew who could bring in $2 and turn around and spend $4.

• Please fire me. Because my boss had a relationship with his last 24-year-old office manager who is now gone, people think the boss has moved on... to me.

• Please fire me. While standing in front of two clients, I'm on speakerphone with the boss and he says, "Love you babe."

And I could go on and on. Yes, my boss really was like that. Yes, people thought we were "involved" based on the way HE acted. And NO, we NEVER were. Ew.

Now onto the hilarity that is Please Fire Me, along with some sporadic commentary of my own:

• Please fire me. My boss insists I call him “Emperor”.

• Please fire me. I’m self-employed and don’t have the nerve to fire myself.

• Please fire me. I’ve written four bestselling novels at my desk in the past two years and no one has noticed.

• Please fire me. My manager meeting just ended with, “Heather, try harder not to screw everything up” and me agreeing to it.

• Please fire me. I rarely have violent ideations except for when I’m at work, in which I imagine elaborate and gory fork-related murders. ((ROFL))
  

• Please fire me. This whole place would go out of business if I didn’t do all the work for none of the money (plus bagels on Fridays).

• Please fire me. I have to share my workspace with the mistress of the boss. So she thinks she’s the queen of the company and she definitely can’t do anything wrong in the boss’s eyes. And that leaves the rest of us in the office treated like dirt. So please fire me! ((I worked in an office like that!))
  

• Please fire me. I just spent 20 minutes on the phone with your OBGYN picking a birth control that is “better suited” to your body. ((Haha, never had to do that, but did spend a lot of time on the phone with the boss's Cardiologist.))
  

• Please fire me! I hate your Face! ((Been there, felt that.))
  

• Please fire me. I just realized I’ve gained 10 pounds since I’ve taken my first office job. ((Only 10 pounds? Consider yourself lucky!))
  

• Please fire me. I just can’t handle the fact that you bring your internal family drama to work…in the office…with intensity…all of you. Not to mention I do twice as much work as your daughter and the hours you chose to cut back were conveniently not hers. ((Yep, been there, done that too))
  

• Please fire me. My boss just licked a self-adhesive stamp.

• Please fire me. I work for NBC.